The day that I can never stand. It’s just another holiday that shows me that I’m alone with no one else to hold onto. Honestly that never bothered me before but this year is different. I’m in touch with my emotions and well I’m really feeling lonely. I mean yeah I can always ask someone else, but well I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to be one of those people that goes out looking for someone to date just because they are lonely. I don’t want to date to date. I want to date to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with. Yes I know I’m only 20 and I have the rest of my life to find the one, but well I got to start somewhere. I’m finally at the point where I want to find someone. My therapy is going great. I’m getting better at controlling my emotions and not jumping off the deep end, but I’ve never been patient. All my friends are either with their parents or their dates. Today I kinda want to be alone, but at the same time I know I don’t need to hide front he world. I can’t help how I feel. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find someone when I go out today. Maybe not. I just know that I’m ready. Well you know what they say. The right person can’t find you if your in the wrong situation. Guess my situation is still wrong.
What’s up with me
So this will be the first Valentine’s Day that I wasn’t depressed. Now lately I’ve been thinking about starting a relationship and finding that special someone and what not. I’m wondering how much of that is me and how much of that is the “love” in the air. Like I said this is the first time I haven’t been depressed on this holiday. Well the first I can remember. Anyway I at least have a list of some of the basics I want from the person. So as I was going over the list I started thinking. Ok how would I rank this. The big thing I needed was a good personality. Honestly I can’t be with someone that doesn’t respect me the way I would respect them. I don’t want someone that’s stuck on them self. I don’t want someone that is super judgemental. If I don’t have at least that then I won’t find them attractive. Physically maybe, but I won’t see a relationship come of it. I’m a guy who doesn’t like to waste his time. If I see that something is going no where then I move on. Well now I move on. I want a relationship. I don’t want a booty call. I don’t want to be sex buddies. I want a long term relationship. Honestly by the 2nd or 3rd date I’m going to have some idea if I was right or wrong. Now if we break up like 3 months down the road ok. but we shouldn’t be breaking up after a month. I mean that just seems like a weird time. Guess it does depend on when your dates are. Anyway so I think I’ve become less cynical which I find I hate. It means I have hopes that can be dashed. Granted none have been dashed yet. I guess my next project is working on my patients. I clearly have none. God send me patients and I want it now has the group therapist use to say. I need to get in contact with some of those guys.
Fun day
T2oday was just awesome. It really was. I had lunch with my former room mate that I haven’t seen in forever. It was just like old times. We have this give and take relationship. If we looked anything alike people would think we are brothers. Talking to him made me realize some things. One of which is that I’m starting to revert. No not revert in a bad way. I should say I’m merging. Certain attributes from my older personality are starting to show up. It’s not a bad thing though. I can be alone just to think and still feel like I can talk to my friends if I want to. I can feel myself getting a lot more balanced. I’m not having wild mood swings. I think that’s also because of my friends. I think it’s making me into a better person. I’m able to take the good attributes from the old self and mixing it with my new self to get a way better balance. My zodiac sign is a Libra. For those of you that don’t know the Libra is a sign that looks like a scale. I lost my balance. I was too depressed. Then I was too maniac, but not bipolar like maniac. I’m actually feeling myself becoming more logical, but still in touch with my emotions. I’m also able to look at myself still. So I can listen to my body a lot better. So I know that if something is off I can go to someone. I can call my therapist up, or I can call my doctor to tell him I think I need to up or lower my meds. I also know that I’m sick, but not the sick where I won’t go to class. Some days I feel like I’m getting better other days I feel worse. I think this is coming from all this conflict in my mind. I think the clearer I get the better I feel, which is true. So I guess this is my body’s way of making sure I pay attention to it. I really hope I’m not reverting though. I really don’t think I am since I have all this insight, and I have so much support. I’m hoping that my friends will let me know if I’m acting funnier then usual. Besides the whole pervert thing. I’m actually starting to pull that thing in. Oh and here is another thing. I actually had no spelling errors before I did the spell check. Sweet huh?
A Long Week
It has been a long week. Between the snow days where I spent all my time hanging out with my friends to the long final days of the week. I’m not saying my week was bad. I actually had a good week. One Tuesday and Wednesday, we had winter weather. We had two days of ice which closed down the school. I have no problems with that. Me and my friends were just hanging out playing games and messing with each other. We actually worked out as well. Speaking of which I need to workout today. I know I need to not just because it is good for me, but also because I want to get off my anti-depressants. They make me tired all the time and mess with my appetite and I’m always shaking. So I’m taking steps to keep myself healthy. The next thing was I was talking to my dad about my uncle and it turns out that well he had a chance to contact us and doesn’t seem interested. It’s kinda what I’m getting. I mean I always call and get the voicemail. He never picks up. Well I’m not going to let it hinder me getting better. I reached out and if he doesn’t want to take it that’s his choice. I also saw my family doctor and he looks good and we had a talk. It was a good talk and I enjoyed it. I was looking forward to it all week. So all and all it’s been a good week. Just really busy. Oh and I made up one of the finals I needed two. Now I just need two more. So here is hoping I can get back into my routine of writing this blog. My therapist thinks that writing this stuff out is really helping me and probably one of the reasons I”m doing so well. The other is I have family and friends who support me. I’ve made great strides this past month and I still have more to go. I don’t want to stand still or go back. I want to continue to move forward and willing to do what it takes to get better.
Well that hurt
So today I met with my therapist again. Yay for me. He seems to be very impressed with my progress. He said I’ve done things that it takes some folks years to do. As I was talking to him and explained how I came to those conclusions he said I’m clearly a people person. I solve problems by talking them out. He also said I must be a writer. That was what I found funny. I mean I hate writing. Ok that’s not true, I hate academic writing. I can clearly free write easily. The act of verbalizing my feelings is what is allowing me to make the progress I am. I’m still having a little problem with the truth. I think that’s because people can kinda hear what you and the doctor are talking about. So when I heard my dad and brother come in I kinda couldn’t finish my actual thoughts. My dad also talked to me about working out and keeping on it. The funny thing is that’s what I did today as soon as I got back. My friends went to work out and I followed. We had a fun time but OMG am I sore. I am not looking forward to that again. I also got really tired right after the work out. I mean I couldn’t keep my eyes open and I kept yawning and I was having trouble walking. I don’t know what happened. Then after a few minutes of eating a salad and drinking a lot of water I felt better and was able to eat and stay awake. There is so much I’m learning about myself and so much more I need to learn. The therapist also mentioned that I do need to calm down my emotions. That I need to think a bit more rationally. If I let my emotions get a hold of me then I’ll do things that make me taste my shoe. So I’m trying to learn to let myself feel certain ways, but also remember that the world doesn’t revolve around me and my wants or desires. Oh well. I’ll keep working. The road to recovery is a long one.
Omg I’m having so much fun
I don’t know what else I can say. I’ve had the best couple of days. I thank my friends for that. I can be alone, but honestly most of the time I’ll go with them to do w/e they are doing. I never wanted to do that before. I have never had so much fun at a game night before. I am enjoying this semester so much. I’m also getting really interested in dating which I also didn’t want to do. I really love my schedule this semester. 3 days out of 5 I only have 1 class. I just have to work really hard on tuesday and thursday. I only don’t like 1 of my classes really. I hate my physics class. The professor made us waste money buying scan trons to give us a 4 question quiz. What the hell is up with that. I mean are you seriously that lazy that you can’t grade like 40 multiple choice quizes. I could do it in two seconds. Well close to it. Not to mention that he is a bit of a prick. Sometimes I’m ok with him. Others he just rubs me the wrong way. Not to mention that class is so boring. I find it hard to stay awake. That might be because of my meds though. Anyway I am clearly getting better. I truly feel that and believe it. My friends have noticed a difference too. There are also a few more issues I have to deal with. Wish my uncle would pick up his god damn phone. I mean I know your over there in Germany but damn. Well I’ll keep trying. So people I leave you with this awesome youtube video.
Extended Family
Well you know when people say oh this is my brother or this is my sister yet there is no relation. Well I never understood that. Now I do. I have a sister, 2 brothers, 2 grandfathers, a grandmother, a dad, 3 mothers, and a turtle. Of course not all of those are related to me by blood. My sister is actually a friend of mine that I’ve grown really close to and I’m very protective of. I’m actually one of her 5 brothers now. Only one of those brothers is actually related to me. The other is my ex room mate that is basically like an older brother to me. I only have 1 blood grandfather. The other is a man I met in my group therapy that really has been a postive person in my life. I call him grandpa mainly because it’s fun pointing out his age and he actually has kicked someone’s ass for calling him old. Goes to show you how we feel about each other. Of course I don’t have 3 mothers. 2 of those are from my therapy group as well. One was with me through in and out patient and is always smiling. I miss her so. The other is one that made me laugh that is going through a tough time. I call her my milf. She is not bad looking. I keep telling her that and she just laughs at me. Anyway the old me would have never done that. I think the reason is that I was all about logic and crap that I never really connected to people. I mean I could make them smile and stuff but I was never really close to them. Needless to say I’m feeling better and connecting better. The only problem is that I need to get in contact with one realtive. My uncle. I haven’t seen him since I was in 4th grade. So today I”m actually calling my grandparents up to find his number and call him. I hope he calls back. Hope they have it. Wish me luck.
Getting Use to Feelings
So now that I’m on anti-depressants and in therapy I’m getting used to having feelings again. Honestly I didn’t realize how little feelings I had until the last few days. I mean jokes are a hell of a lot funnier. I get angry way more then I use to, but it’s the good type of angry not the I’m getting really pissy for no reason angry. I get sad again, but once again not depression sad. I get jealous. Honestly I’m trying to reign them in. They caused me to kinda be an ass to a friend of mine. I didn’t get short with her or anything. I just said something that I normally wouldn’t have if I was reading the signs. She broke up with her bf and I saw him in my class and I told her and that was just stupid. So I apologized, and for the first time in a long time I actually meant it. I mean I actually felt from the bottom of my heart sorry. I mean I could feel sorry, but not like that. Then I got mad at my ex roommmate because he didn’t answer my texts fast enough. That and because he made me bring my wii up so he could play then he didn’t show up. Instead of thinking oh maybe he lost his phone like my friends said. I go to the oh he’s just avoiding me because I told him something. I mean I was super pissed. I would have kicked his ass if I had saw him. Turns out he had a family emergency and wasn’t ready to answer. So of course I felt like an ass and apologized. He of course hasn’t texted me and I feel like I should be there to help him, but I know I have to let him come to me. Then again he never does contact me. So I guess thursday I”m just going to invite him to the game night and of course he doesn’t have to come. Well all I know is that I’m trying to get better at reigning in my emotions and getting better at reading other people’s emotions. I use to be really really really good at it because I didn’t have my emotions to muck it up. Well I’ll get it down eventually.
Doing great
Yeah as you can tell I’m doing much better. I’m doing so much better that I keep forgetting to post here. I’m also forgetting to do my journal for my therapist. Well after I got out of impatient I had my first dream in awhile. I had a great night sleep. Too bad it didn’t last. Well for about a week I was kinda in limbo. I wanted to go back to school but at the same time I didn’t. Then towards the end of the week I really just felt pushed to go back. Too bad I let my finances suck. So for about 2 days I was worried about that. Then on wednesday I swear I was going to get kicked out of the dorm and stuff. Now I’ve said that I believed in a higher being. I say that because I’m agnostic. That is because I feel no religion is wrong. Anyway I’ve always said it but I’ve never really felt it. Well wednesday with all that happens I’m a believer. I won’t go into details as to what happened but I will say that I felt a push and motivation I’ve never felt before and I just knew something greater then myself was going on. Ever since that day I’ve felt great. I feel I’m really enjoying life. I’m paying way better attention to my feelings. It’s making me a great listener. I still have my faults and stick my foot in my mouth, but when I do I do apologize. Even when I apologize I feel different. I mean I would apologize, but kinda just go through the motions. Everything about me has changed. Clearly for the better. I never want to go back to that unhealthy way of living again. Not to mention there is so much I want to blog about. This plus the journal I have on gaiaonline and the one I have to right for my therapist have kept me emotionally healthy. Now to make myself physically healthy. Oh joy. Oh and here is a funny video my friend showed me on friday.
Sorry about that
Yeah I got side tracked with life, but I’m back now. So now I’m on the outpatient part of my recovery. Well outpatient was actually quite relaxing. For me it was an easy transition because I had a group with 2 other people that were inpatient with me. The group itself was very welcoming and open. The therapist that ran it did a good job. He was very easy to relate to. I think this honestly was the biggest help for me. Just seeing others go through all those troubles and come out of it slightly better made me feel better. We shared ups and downs. I never once felt like I was an outsider. That is why that program worked for me. It’s why I don’t think I’ll ever be back other then to visit. I had to be there for 3 hours per day. On thursdays we had family nights. Lucky for me there was only 1 family night. The other thursdays were christmas and new years so there was no session. Honestly it annoyed the fuck out of me. The guy that ran it was just really annoying. He was always bragging. He made a personal couple issue something they did in front of everyone. I did not like that guy. Although the way it ended was great. He had people say one thing they loved about the person next to them or about themselves. The hardest part of that whole thing was leaving. We had a special sort of ceremony. We call it coining out. That is when we pass around a coin and talk about how the person leaving affected us and then the person says something to the whole group. On the coin is the prayer hands and under that it says one day at a time. The back has the serenity prayer. I still to this day hold that coin sacred. Now I loaned it out to someone I think needed it more then me, but it’s usually in my pocket. There is no doubt in my mind that as bad as what I went through was. I needed to go through it. I am not a horrible person because of what I went through. I am a strong person for coming out on the other side a changed man.
